yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
as a side note pls kill me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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