he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
