I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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