apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
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at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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