How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
