I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
