Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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