he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
