and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
