I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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