____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
