if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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