im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
