ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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