and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
