I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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