dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
