dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
