Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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