he looks like a really good dad on facebook
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
