I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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