Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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