I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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