Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
