Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
