i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
