Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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