i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
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I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.