I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
