I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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