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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
