they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
