she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
