Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
