fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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