I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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