my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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