I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
