That's intense
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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