Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
