3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
