I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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