I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
