Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
