new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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