Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
