im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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