I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
