thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
