Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
