It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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