It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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