The police scanner is talking about you again....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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